Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
