Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
