It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
