genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
