1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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