Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
