Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
