I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
