Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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