i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
