the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
