Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We got so high we made milksteak
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
