I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
