I wish I could teleport
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
