I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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