Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
