I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
