Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I didn't notice because vodka
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
