did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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