i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
