i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
birth control should be required to get into college
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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