At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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