Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
