the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
