My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
