my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
