they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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