she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
