i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
