Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
