haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
