I wish I could punch you in the face.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
