It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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