No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
