um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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