Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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