My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
