Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
