My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
