I think my vagina is haunted
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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