We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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