Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
