Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
