How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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