what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
