SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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