I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she peed on how many people?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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