sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
