you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
