Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
