My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
