your parents love me but you hate me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
