OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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