Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
